frustration+ depression = fear & self-destructive behavior

After I got home from Canada I went looking for Reiki in Chicago. Since the practitioner I had seen lived in a different state I had to look for one on my own. Again not easy in 1994, AOL was really the only online community and I never thought to look there. I was able to find a few books, so I began with reading everything I could find about Reiki, still unable to find a teacher! At school I spent over two periods a day in Jewelry class, while spending my nights skateboarding & going to punk shows. Late one Saturday night I went skating after a show and took a hard fall. I knew immediately that my wrist was broken, I just didn't realize how bad. I waited until the next morning to go to the Emergency Room, once there I got the bad news not only was it broken, I needed surgery to fix it! The surgeon had to put 4 pins in my wrist, and it was one of the first arthroscopic wrist surgery ever! The surgeon was amazed to find when he placed the pins in my bones, they had the consistency of "cheese" due to my PXE. I had no idea that was even possible! I now know PXE puts calcium in places that doesn't need it, like my veins, heart, arteries, skin, and eyes, however it seems it misses the important things like bones. I felt very alone and isolated, no one, not even my family really understood the stress and frustration I was going through. My body is working against me, and no one knows how to stop it or fix it.

I still had plans on going to Jewelry school after my high school graduation, despite my risk of going blind. I was all signed up, ready to go, until the panic set in. I was scared I was going to move and just go blind, I was starting to question if being a jeweler was really the best thing for me. Less than a month before I left for school, over 2000 miles away, I changed my mind. I still chose an art school, but I wanted to go to one closer to home, "just in case". I started to think negatively about my condition, I was scared I was going to die before 25 and go blind at anytime, and so began my self-destructive period.

These photos were taken by Benjamin Coulter at the very beginning of my self-destructive period.

1996, the year I didn't care if I lived or died. I was so frustrated, Dr.'s couldn't fix me, I had learned of Reiki but I couldn't find it. I started to party... a lot. I drank, did hard drugs, stayed out for days. All the stupid things an 18 year old who doesn't care about life would do. Thank goodness this behavior was very short lived, after a few months and a police scare I started to regain a better outlook on life. I realized I can't give up, my life was too important to fuck up anymore, and that there had to be answers somewhere... I just needed to be strong and go find it!